The year was 1996 (Part I)

 The year was 1996 and little did I know that my life would be changed forever. My dad was offered a job 90 minutes north of Peoria, IL, in a small town called Rock Island, IL.  This city is also known for being a part of the Quad Cities.  As a young girl, I would travel with one of my sisters and my dad to a hotel called the Holiday Inn in Moline, IL (another city within the Quad Cities).  We loved spending a weekend in the Quads! Never ever did I think that I would move there, let alone live my adult life there, but that is what I did. It is neither a good or bad thing.  A lot of good has come out of living in the Quad Cities.  For example, had we not have moved here when we did, I may not be so progressed with my anxiety and depression.  I may have mentioned this in previous posts, but my doctors and therapist in Peoria did not believe in treating me with medication.  My anxiety was pretty severe and, looking back, how much better I would have functioned had I been medicated.  While being medicated, I would have learned calming tactics and ways to become comfortable. An anxious mind will find any opportunity to flee a situation that is not comfortable and avoid it continuously.  Some examples for me were: sitting in the classroom, going on field trips, eating in the cafeteria, eating in general, going to our all school masses, church in general, staying home alone, staying the night at a friend's house, being at a friend's and being home by ourselves, not being with my parents - and I am sure there are some I am forgetting. Doesn't sound like a very fun childhood does it? It sounds a lot like a trap and having very little freedom. I am going to talk about each scenario and run through the thoughts that I had. Let's just start with one for today.

Sitting in the classroom:

In 1992, I was in the 5th grade at St. Thomas Grade School.  This was a big year because we were on the same floor as the 8th graders.  Although low on the totem pole, it was one step closer to being the "top dog". My year started out well and the anxiety was, for the most part, non existent, at least at school.  The turning point took place in November of this year.  Our class attended a play at very large auditorium with at least 50+ other schools in attendance. The play was A Christmas Carol. The rows were very long and surprisingly I sat right smack in the middle.  The fear I have of sitting in the middle and not on the end had not set in yet.  But just wait, it will! We were nearing the end of the play, and one of my classmates, who was also sitting in the middle, was trying to get out because didn't feel well.  Needless to say, my classmate did not make it out of the row and ended up getting sick right there.  I wasn't so much disgusted as I was scared that I too would somehow just throw up, in the middle of the row.  I didn't take into account that she was, 1) overheated, and 2) ended up having a stomach bug, as she was out of school the next day or so. All that my brain had taken into consideration was that she just got sick, and that's it! I can't recall the exact month that I started not being able to sit in the classroom, but what I can tell you is that it was on a Thursday. It was in the afternoon and lunch had already come and gone.  We were in homeroom taking turns reading out loud, and I remember looking at the clock and talking myself into feeling anxious. I was going to get sick. My thoughts were causing my heart to beat out of my chest, my hands were sweating, and I couldn't catch my breath. Doom was literally setting in. Out of desperation, I called out that I didn't feel well and walked out of the classroom.  I walked myself down to the bathroom, but, the weird thing is that I never really felt like getting sick. I put a wet paper towel to my face and got a drink of water, then made my way to the office to call my mom. My mom calmed me down on the phone and soon came to pick me up.  I don't know if I ever told her about my heart pounding and that breathing was difficult.  I did however realize that I was out of that situation and I was, comfortable. That day made a lasting impression for years to come, but none of us knew that, or why, at the time. I came back to school the next day and had a great day.  People of course asked if I was ok etc, and to my knowledge, I was.

 (Circa 1992-1993)

The question to you is, what do you think happened the following Thursday around the same time? Yes, the same exact thing! My thoughts were racing and I let my anxious mind take hold of what I was really feeling, which I was feeling fine. This became a "new thing" on Thursdays and my teacher was not happy with me.  But, did she ever think that I maybe wasn't happy?! That I didn't NOT want to be with my class, but I just couldn't, let alone worrying what are my classmates thinking what is wrong with me.  This was also causing problems with my parents because NONE of them understood what was going on. Not long after the Thursday ritual, I was not able to sit in the classroom. This didn't happen all time, just when I could not longer mentally take it.  I started to do poorly in my classes because I was either not there physically, but sitting in the hallway, or I was in the classroom but trying to ignore all my irrational thoughts.  I was not able to focus on what I needed to be focusing on. There were some days that I would spend either an entire morning or afternoon in the hallway.  And some days, I would spend all day out there.  I would call my mom numerous times and sometimes she would come into the school to calm me down.  She even would talk me into going back in to join my class. This would sometimes lead to arguments and more crying, or it would work and I could finish out my school day. Sometimes the battle was already lost before she came in and I would just go home.  Of course, that's what I wanted because then I was fine but I knew the next day it was going to be the same thing.  It was absolutely exhausting! I know not just for me but for my parents too. 

The Light

How many of us are afraid of dying?  Afraid of what is really on the other side?  I am absolutely afraid of dying.  I do believe there is a heaven and a hell - that no matter what our souls will live on in some form.  What I am scared of is that I am going to be alone.  That I am going to be scared perhaps ashamed of my life on earth.  Did I do everything I could and should have done with all my gifts and knowledge.  Did I pass the majority of Gods tests.  I'm afraid I won't see my mom and dad or my sisters...that we won't know each other.  I know at that point in our existence it doesn't really  matter but then again it does.  I know when all of us reach heaven (my family) it will be a set up like a condo in Panama City Beach...but this time we would never have to leave.  No more deadlines.  No more classes.  No more baseball for one of my brother in laws.  We could all finally be together and there is no time to be wasted because we have all the time that we could ever ask for. 

I have mentioned before the anxiety I have dealt with as a child and an adult.  Lately I have become anxious for reasons that I am not aware of really.  Like I have said before sometimes it just happens.  The other night I had a good cry with my mom.  We talked about death and she is aware that I am scared of dying but I a more scared of those my parents.  Obviously that is going to happen at some point unfortunately.  I don't know if I will be able to handle it etc.  Our talk was about that and that many people are scared of losing their parents etc.  I told I sometimes think that I would rather die before them so I wouldn't have to live with all the anxiety that I am anticipating.  I am not saying that I am taking my own life so please don't get that impression.  I wouldn't do that....had a friend do it and that is not the way to go.  Anyways I was speaking in general terms.  When its my time its my time.  I just wanted to clear that up.

After that good hard cry I went to bed.  I had dreams but I don't really remember them.  But there was this one dream that I had and it has really touched me.  My dream consisted of me being at a building with some friends and I knew that the building was going to explode.  I remember the explosion....it was loud and bright and then it was gone.  It is the weirdest feeling to die in your dreams.  Anyways, when I died...there was like a blurry light with red around it that faded to black...it was getting brighter as I was getting closer.  It was a warm feeling and it was so peaceful.  I remember saying "I love you mom and dad."  And then Jesus appeared with his head slightly looking down and his eyes closed with one hand on his heart and the other in air as if he was praying.  I was really wanting to go but something or someone kept pulling me back to life.

I have never experienced anything like it before.  I have no idea if it was really "the light" but I have never felt so calm and quiet before in my life.  I wonder if it was really Jesus that appeared to me telling me that there is nothing to be scared of when my parents die or when I die.  That I won't be alone but that he will be there.  It brings tears to my eyes that I could have been that close to my Savior.  A very cool and surreal feeling at the same time.  I can't say that after having this dream am I completely comfortable but I am convinced that there is a heaven and that people really do see a tunnel or a light of some sort.  I am not saying I was really dying in real life, but maybe that had to happen in my dream to assure me that death is okay and all will be taken care of.  This dream where I saw the light lasted no more than probably 5-6 seconds but I felt like I was there for so much longer.  I know that there is something to look forward to when this life is done.  I didn't get to see all the great things heaven has to offer because I did not get that fair, but I can wait for that surprise when it is my time. 

The image I have on this page is very

similar to the one I saw except the reddish color I talked about and it was blurry.  I didn't think I would actually find visual close enough to what I saw. It wasn't really a tunnel but very close.   Very awesome.

Guardian Angel

The last few months I have been on edge about work.  It is not my dream job by any means, but I am thankful everyday that I have a job.  Do I make a lot of money, no I don't.  But I make enough to barely make ends meet.  It def can be a struggle when some paychecks come along.  It is not that I really don't like my job...it just doesn't interest me.  It is hard to do something everyday that just doesn't interest you.  I have learned a ton, but it's not fun.  In my opinion it is important to have fun while working and to enjoy it at the same time.  I could normally have fun at work despite not liking what I do until lately.  It has been such a chore to be there.  I know I have not given my best in these months and I don't like that at all.  I give my all in everything I am involved with: family, friends, coaching, working out, my faith....everything!  I wouldn't say I have been lazy but more careless.  If I made a mistake I didn't care and that has never been my attitude. 

I have always believed in angels especially guardian angels.  Those angels are very special.  I was told when I was younger that if you sit in a very quiet room and listen carefully they say their name.  If that's true I have no idea, but kinda cool if it was!  I can't really recall a certain situation that my guardian angel has made its presence...until today.  I was at my absolute breaking point today.  I had been holding in a lot of emotions and feelings in regards to my work place.  Loads of frustration!  I was brought into my review this afternoon.  I was shaking and emotional before it really even started.  I was asked if I liked what I did.  My response, no I don't at all.  Other questions asked etc...I don't know if I have ever been more brutally honest during a review.  I literally spoke my mind just like I do when I'm by myself thinking.  It was almost like a dream.  I pointed out weaknesses in my supervisors....expressed my frustrations.  I did not use any cuss words...very clean.  I explained that I always give my all and lately I just haven't and I don't like it.  At this point my crying and super upset.  One because it was all just coming out and two because I just spoke like that to another person...a person who could fire me if they really wanted.  One of them was speaking...about what I don't recall....but I slapped my hand on the table cause I was just tired of hearing it....I said "you know what?" and I stood up took two steps to walk out....and I was stopped dead in my tracks.  I don't even know how I got back to my chair.  I know without a doubt it was my guardian angel saying you need this job regardless if it something you like or not.  I am so thankful for my angel.  As a human we just don't think things all the way thru.....if I would have walked out...I would have been without a job and who knows when the next would come along.  We talked things out and ended on a good note...thankful that as well. 

Those of you who are in my position with your job..not happy.  Please stick with it despite all the frustration.  Things have to get better and they will.  Its not like its the worst thing ever its just not comfortable.  Be in tuned with your guardian angel. I know that do so many things to protect us because its just not time yet.  Don't let evil or negativity win.  That's what I learned today.  I know that you are exactly where you are for a reason...you don't know the reason and that's okay.  God is good and you are too!

What do I stand for....most nights I don't know anymore

Within the recent months this has become one of my favorite albums.  I feel like at this time in my life I can relate to a lot of these lyrics.  That is what I love about songs - somehow you can relate to the words.  And it is different for everyone.  Now my title is just from a song on the album, but I like it.  Because there are times that I know that I stand for but I don't know if it is getting me anywhere.  I have a strong faith in Jesus Christ my Savior.  I know and hold firm to my morals.  Politically I am confident in my beliefs and how our government should and could be ran.  So I know where I stand 98% of the time, but there are those "some nights" that I have not a clue what is going on with my life. 

I have spent many nights in better wondering why that is.  And I think I might have found a pinch of an answer.  Here's how it goes.

At an early age we are taught so many things.  That girls wear pink and boys wear blue.  Girls play with dolls and boys wrestle in dirt.  We play house with a mother and father.  As we play house our careers normally consist of being a police officer, a doctor, or a fire fighter (or along those lines).  As young girls we are told that we will meet our prince charming one day and that our dad will be walking us down the aisle.  Young boys are told that they will marry a woman and they will have to be the bread winner, and to be anything less than that is not acceptable.  Are you starting to see the pressure? 

Now in my shoes in this scenario...  I know when I am very young that I have this "feeling" about girls.  But I know that this "feeling" is not okay and that it is very very bad.  However, at the same time I did like boys.  I had boyfriends that I liked a lot, but this feeling always lingered about girls.  It was always in the back of my mind.  Now knowing that this princess charming is suppose to enter my life I am wonder about this "feeling."  Do all girls have this "feeling" and still meet their prince?  I am sure there are girls who do.  All you want when you are younger is to please your parents, well that's what I wanted.  My above paragraph I was none of the ways that I portray girls.  I hated the color pink.  I did not play with dolls.  And I would much rather wrestle in the dirt.  I never really thought about my dad walking me down the aisle.  Those things just were never important to me growing up. 

Now back to my answer....  We are now in young adulthood.  It is time to start thinking about your future.  I always hated filling out papers saying what I was going to be doing in 10 years from now.  How do I know at 18 what is out there and how my life is going to change drastically in so many different ways...and to answer a question that I want to be the right answer...seemed like set up...kinda made me feel like a failure.  Now I don't recall my exact answers.  But I am sure it was something like this:  Graduate from college and coaching soccer or basketball(not specifying in a field because I had NO idea), to be married, and have had children.  I am pretty sure it was something like that.  How much more narrow minded can one be hahaha!  But that is all we are told really!  I  could write a short novel about those 10 years that went nothing like that. 

Those 10 years....  Graduate high school with a soccer scholarship.  I went to about 2 weeks of class and decided it is not something I wanted to do.  I was not mentally or socially ready to take on college.  Not that college is all that difficult...it was just too much for me at the time.  So I had to get a full time job.  I worked at a daycare and I loved it.  However, I knew about after a year and a half that I needed to go to school to broaden myself.  I decided to go to a community college for an associates in Liberal Arts.  That took me two and a half years to complete.  In the mean time I had gotten out of a long term relationship with a young man and my attraction with girls grew stronger and later had a long term relationship with a girl.  I was still playing soccer as well as coaching it.  While going to this community college I worked at a sandwich shop....part time.  It was an adjustment in the pay...I really didn't like that.  I was offered a scholarship at a four year university.  I accepted and was looking into Physical Education.  During this time I got my certification for coaching.  I was 23 playing at the collegiate level against 18 year olds....let me just say that was not easy.  Those four years or so an make a difference regarding if I had condition the whole summer three times a day.  Half way thru my first year at this university I changed my degree to Sports Management.  I just didn't know if I wanted to be a teacher every day of my life.  One of my teachers talked about Sports Management and it sounded good.  I mean I loved sports and I thought it was the perfect.  I wish I would have done a little more research on it, but it is what it is now.  While I was attending school I met great people and lots of friends.  I applied to be the womens basketball manager.  Little did I know that I would come across one of the best coaches I have ever been around.  She is now the head coach at Truman State University and remains a good friend. This year in school I was working for a local grocery store as a cashier.  Going to school, playing soccer, being a manager, and working was a lot to juggle but I think that helped be who I am today.  It is not like a learned a whole lot in college but what I did learn was how to manage my time and multi task.  I finished my first year.  My second went the same.  All I had was one more semester left of school and I was done.  During those two years I was single....still no princess charming.  At the end of my second year - beginning of summer -  a summer that promised to be so much fun - was tragically ruined when one of my best friends took his own life.  My world was turned upside down.  Depression. Stress. Sadness. Guilt. Anger.  Just about any emotion...I felt it.  By the time school started in the fall I was ready to just be done.  Instead of enjoying my last semester I hurried through it.  I was very lost.  Not because he died, but because he killed himself.  I couldn't grasp that..still can't at times.  Since my eligibility was up I was offered to coach the Junior Varsity squad and it was great and a awesome learning experience.  I would finally graduate with my bachelors that December in 2007.  I continued to work at the grocery store.  I would later become head soccer coach for a local high school for 3 years.  That was great.  That summer I had finally met a girl that I really liked.  Our age difference was kinda of hard to handle at times.  At the grocery store I became an Assistant Manager.  I thought I was there.....everything I was told minus the prince but maybe the princess.  I had the full time job....coaching....and someone I loved.  Yeah, that changed in time.  We broke up a year and half later.....and I had a job change that made more and hour.  It was good for the time, but later would regret taking it.  Stuck with that job for almost 3 years.  Then took a job back in my hometown.  That fell short because I fell into a deep depression..I just regressed.  That would make it to 28.  So that piece of paper was not even close.  The closest thing was that I coached.  No prince and no children....stands true to this day.

I am not unhappy because your life is always changing its how you handle those changes.  People come and go.  I guess I just wish we weren't told those things growing up.  Because it causes disappointment within that young spirit.  Let kids live and think on their own.  Don't say things that might now come true because you don't know...no one knows.  Open their mind and let them know all of the possibilities.  Don't say certain things because you fear that they will be that way.  I am not saying I was brought up that way because I really wasn't but I know that a lot of people who were.  If I have children I will be so open with them with everything.  And I will answer every question as honest as I can and not fear how the "what if" outcome.  My boys can play with dolls and my girls can wrestle in mud.  My children will not wear the stereotypical colors.  If my girls want to wear bows that is fine and if they like pink...awesome. 

I stand for letting young ones developing into their own mold with the right guidance and no false hope. 

Atttiude reflects leadership captain

The title of today's blog, that line....can you name the movie?  I'll let you think about it for a few minutes while I discuss these four words.  In this movie this line changes the whole outcome of the movie.  I think maybe if it had not been said a part of history would have not existed.  Now do I know if those exact words were said.  I have no idea, but it wouldn't surprise me if they had been along those lines.  You see in this time period in which this movie takes place.....not everyone was accepted.  Two groups of young men were to come together when in fact they had never interacted with the other  It was almost as if it was against the law and frowned upon.  Do you know the movie yet?  How about these hints:  football, the 1960s, and Denzel Washington.  Now can you guess.....  It is Remember the Titans.

I am sure the majority of you have seen this movie.  It is one of my favorites.  Not just because it is about sports, but because it is based on a true story.  A story that if it had not taken place it would have set us even further back than what our country already was at the time.  And who knows what it would be like today if I had not taken place.  In this country...or this world...we do not have time to fight about the color of another's skin.  To think that a group teenage boys could come together in the matter of weeks.  That had always been told that the "other" was wrong and that they could do better without a relationship with them....was completely the wrong advice those parents could have given.  Where in that situation the parents are the captain and their attitude is reflected upon the child.  Which eventually is passed onto them and that's how they will treat "those" people as they get older.  In fact that is how both "sets" treated each other at the beginning.  Two schools migrated into one which forced whites and blacks to come together.  This was very rare at this time in our history especially in the south.

This line takes place during which the coach made it a priority for every white and black player to get to know each other....every single  one of them. Three a days were going to continue until this took place.  Gary who seems to be the captain of the whites and plays the same position of the blacks captain - Julius....finally break down to get facts straight about each other.  Gary tells Julius how he is good but could be so much better etc.  They share words....and then Julius says "Attitude reflects leadership captain." Powerful.

We all know the ended of the movie.  You might be asking why I am writing about this.  Well I think this line makes sense in our world today.  Our leadership along all different lines: parents, bosses, coaches etc.  Their attitudes are reflected on us and without realizing or trying we will act like that too.  People that are in high positions seem to be blinded on how much they impact others with their actions or lack of.  So if you are a coach, parent, or coach keep in mind the words and actions are picked up by the closest to you...and they too will carry that attitude.  Just like in Remember the Titans the boys didn't like the other race because they were told not to and because of how their parents spoke about the other.  In their minds that is how they thought it was suppose to be and if that trait had not been broken the separation between black and white would be even further apart than what it is now. 

Within the last year I am reminded of this line at least once a day.  One because I am a coach I do try to set the best example for my girls.  I know that they look up to me and will carry the same attitude I do because they are impressionable.  Also, I am a working citizen......I don't always see the best attitudes.  This is true for many of us.  All I can say is YOU be the captain and have YOUR leadership reflect back to the captain....make it positive and radiant.  Sometimes captains are wrong.

#leadership

Writing is therapy

It looks like it has been awhile since my last post...life becomes busy and some things go on the back burner unfortunately.  But I am back and my plan is to stick with it because writing makes me feel better.  I have so many thoughts about so many things.  It is hard to keep them straight sometimes.  I believe we all have so much to say but we get caught up in life and stray away from our true feelings.  That is what happened to me the last few months.  I would think about writing but I always came up with a "good" excuse not to.  In the long run it caused my mind to overflow....time to let it all out now! 

In the last week my anxiety has been at an unusual high.  Why? I don't know.  I never know, but I always wish I did know.  One thing is that I haven't been feeling well and whenever that happens that makes me feel anxious.  I tend to be a bit of a hypochondriac but I am not nearly as bad as I was when I was younger. I could easily convince myself that I had some major illness.  Okay well that's a little extreme, but you get the point. 

There have been many stages and ups and downs of my anxieties existence.  I have had really calm waters and I have had hurricanes as well.  A lot of times it is unpredictable, but many times I talk myself into it.  I am going to start to read a book that my mom has been constantly been talking about and been wanting me to read.  Throughout my life I have overcome many things I never knew I could do....I could stay satisfied with my current state.  Letting my thinking pattern get the best of me at times and restrict what I want to do with my life.  But as we all know..we have one life...and I have already missed out on a lot in my childhood.  I do not want to miss things as an adult.  So I am going to read this book and perhaps find someone to talk to.  Will reading this book and talking to someone cure me?  No.  You aren't cured from anxiety because it is not a disease.  But it will give me reassurance that I am in control of the situation and that my mind needs to be rewired along those lines. 

To those of you who may think anxiety is a made up feeling or emotion...you are 100% wrong.  It is very real from the thought process to the attack itself and then to the avoiding of situations for the fear of having an attack.  I can understand how one can think that it is not real if you have never had one.  Let me assure you that it is the scariest thing you will encounter when least expected.  Because there are times you cause your own attack.  But normally the first one comes out of the blue and literally feels like you are dying and not there physically.  It is a very surreal feeling that is terrifying because you have never experienced that feeling before.  It almost scars the mind.  That is why it is sooooo important to look into books before it gets worse.  Now not everyone is that sensitive and don't really think about it again.  But there are people, like myself, that have a worried mind to begin with and it is not easy to overcome on my own.  I am not ashamed of that because this runs in my family, anxiety.  I have talked with many counselors and some have helped others not so much.  Unfortunately it is a hit and miss.  But please understand that it is very real.  You don't have to understand it, but respect people that are anxious.  It is controllable and you can help.  I will get into that later. 

Please stay tuned and thank you for reading. 

#gottagetthruthis

Labels

If you could guess on a normal day at work or school - how many times you put a label on something or someone - what would that number be?  In our society anymore there is label for everything.  I find it rather annoying.....and I am very guilty at labeling as well.  I know that this has existed for probably since the beinginning of time in some fashion or form.  And not just labeling but judging before you really know that individual.  Of course we see the outside of the person but we have no idea what is going on inside or maybe what they have been thru.  I find it is a human act to do, but it isn't right or fair. 

How many times have we heard stories about someone thru friends....we know who this individual is, but we have never really talked with them and we already have them labeled.  Or we don't give them a chance because of what we have heard.  How many times have you been guilty of that?  I have.  Not proud of that, but I can admit it...and I can admit that it is not right.  I don't like it when people label me or try to know who I really am without talking to me. 

Growing up I was a very good athlete.  I could beat most boys in my class at basketball...they didn't like that too well.  They also didn't like that I could throw a football better than them.  See when I was little I hated losing..still do, but I hated losing to boys.  When I was outside practicing they were always my opponent mentally.  I never wanted a boy to think they were better than me...in anything.  With this kind of ambition it would cause a lot of hurt in my world as a pre-teen.  Kids get mean.  I was labeled that I wanted to be a boy....that I was a "dyke" (in the 7th grade I had no idea of what that even was!).... Hurtful things....I didn't want to be a boy at all....I just wanted to beat them.  As for being gay in this point in my life....non existent!  I was totally boy crazy!  I didn't develop those feelings for girls until later in my life.  So, just because I am good at sports that makes me want to be a boy who is gay?? Hahaha, what!!??  Dumb.  Lets put it this way.....lets I had been born a boy....I would have kicked their ass' a lot worse than I did being a girl.  Looks like they caught a break on that one!

In my adult life I still get labled.  Am I a tomboy...yes I am. I wouldn't have it any other way.  Me being a tomboy or any other girl who is a tomboy does not make them gay.  I know many girls who are just or more athletic than me that are and are TOTALLY straight.  I am always amazed by kids that ask me if I am a boy or a girl....or they flat out stare like my skin is the color blue or something.  My face by no means looks like a male...I have small features....pretty skin....the curves of my body are about the curviest I think someone my size can be.  Now do I wear baseball hats....tennis shoes with just about everything....looser clothes (not baggy but not tight)....yes I do all of those things.  That is me!  That doesn't make me macho or less of a woman.  I am still very sweet, sensitive, compassionate, soft, and have my own "characteristics" of being feminine.  This world needs to understand not all woman are going to fit in this sterotype that is made up for them.  I don't wear tight fitting things because I am not comfortable with that.  I have never liked to dress that way.  I have and I do on occassion, but does not make up my wardrobe.  I have more tennis shoes than I have of any other kind of shoe.  I know many of my friends who have more heels than they do of tennis shoes.  We are all so different and beautiful!  I am very beautiful...because I am me.  If someone doesn't like it that I have short hair and like sports...and would rather be in jeans than a dress when going out...then screw them.  I will never change for anyone in regards to them not liking who I really am. 

The other night I was out with some friends at a pretty popular bar.  It was getting late and I went up to pay my bill.  I had to stand at the end of the bar until I got the bartenders attention...in the meantime there were a group of guys to my left.  I am standing there minding my own business....I saw one guy turn around and look at me from the corner of my eye.  So I turned to look at him.  He turned back around towards his friends and mad a face....one of his friends looked at me and started laughing.  Really?  Now what was said I couldn't tell you, but I am guessing it wasn't nice because I am not the typical girl they would find attractive.  And you know that is fine, because if I was attracted to a man they would not be one of them.  There is way more than meets the eye.  The funny thing is...is they only see the shell of me.  The see the hat...the hoodie I was wearing (came from playing a soccer game)...adidas pants....tennis shoes....no not what the typical girl would wear.  But they take the time to look at my eyes?  My smile?  No....because they want to see the "sexiest" parts of a woman.  The sexiest part on a woman is unique among all of us.  We all have boobs and butts...but there is always one thing that makes a woman sexy that doesn't make another.  "She's not another pretty face. She's got everything it takes."  I guess I am that kind of woman.  Keep coming with the labels and pre-judgements...because in the end I am the one that wins because....I am me and comfortable in my skin. 

"I AM NO BEAUTY QUEEN....I AM JUST BEAUTIFUL ME." 

Very random post today....lots of different things on my mind.  Sorry! :)