The year was 1996 and little did I know that my life would be changed forever. My dad was offered a job 90 minutes north of Peoria, IL, in a small town called Rock Island, IL. This city is also known for being a part of the Quad Cities. As a young girl, I would travel with one of my sisters and my dad to a hotel called the Holiday Inn in Moline, IL (another city within the Quad Cities). We loved spending a weekend in the Quads! Never ever did I think that I would move there, let alone live my adult life there, but that is what I did. It is neither a good or bad thing. A lot of good has come out of living in the Quad Cities. For example, had we not have moved here when we did, I may not be so progressed with my anxiety and depression. I may have mentioned this in previous posts, but my doctors and therapist in Peoria did not believe in treating me with medication. My anxiety was pretty severe and, looking back, how much better I would have functioned had I been medicated. While being medicated, I would have learned calming tactics and ways to become comfortable. An anxious mind will find any opportunity to flee a situation that is not comfortable and avoid it continuously. Some examples for me were: sitting in the classroom, going on field trips, eating in the cafeteria, eating in general, going to our all school masses, church in general, staying home alone, staying the night at a friend's house, being at a friend's and being home by ourselves, not being with my parents - and I am sure there are some I am forgetting. Doesn't sound like a very fun childhood does it? It sounds a lot like a trap and having very little freedom. I am going to talk about each scenario and run through the thoughts that I had. Let's just start with one for today.
Sitting in the classroom:
In 1992, I was in the 5th grade at St. Thomas Grade School. This was a big year because we were on the same floor as the 8th graders. Although low on the totem pole, it was one step closer to being the "top dog". My year started out well and the anxiety was, for the most part, non existent, at least at school. The turning point took place in November of this year. Our class attended a play at very large auditorium with at least 50+ other schools in attendance. The play was A Christmas Carol. The rows were very long and surprisingly I sat right smack in the middle. The fear I have of sitting in the middle and not on the end had not set in yet. But just wait, it will! We were nearing the end of the play, and one of my classmates, who was also sitting in the middle, was trying to get out because didn't feel well. Needless to say, my classmate did not make it out of the row and ended up getting sick right there. I wasn't so much disgusted as I was scared that I too would somehow just throw up, in the middle of the row. I didn't take into account that she was, 1) overheated, and 2) ended up having a stomach bug, as she was out of school the next day or so. All that my brain had taken into consideration was that she just got sick, and that's it! I can't recall the exact month that I started not being able to sit in the classroom, but what I can tell you is that it was on a Thursday. It was in the afternoon and lunch had already come and gone. We were in homeroom taking turns reading out loud, and I remember looking at the clock and talking myself into feeling anxious. I was going to get sick. My thoughts were causing my heart to beat out of my chest, my hands were sweating, and I couldn't catch my breath. Doom was literally setting in. Out of desperation, I called out that I didn't feel well and walked out of the classroom. I walked myself down to the bathroom, but, the weird thing is that I never really felt like getting sick. I put a wet paper towel to my face and got a drink of water, then made my way to the office to call my mom. My mom calmed me down on the phone and soon came to pick me up. I don't know if I ever told her about my heart pounding and that breathing was difficult. I did however realize that I was out of that situation and I was, comfortable. That day made a lasting impression for years to come, but none of us knew that, or why, at the time. I came back to school the next day and had a great day. People of course asked if I was ok etc, and to my knowledge, I was.
The question to you is, what do you think happened the following Thursday around the same time? Yes, the same exact thing! My thoughts were racing and I let my anxious mind take hold of what I was really feeling, which I was feeling fine. This became a "new thing" on Thursdays and my teacher was not happy with me. But, did she ever think that I maybe wasn't happy?! That I didn't NOT want to be with my class, but I just couldn't, let alone worrying what are my classmates thinking what is wrong with me. This was also causing problems with my parents because NONE of them understood what was going on. Not long after the Thursday ritual, I was not able to sit in the classroom. This didn't happen all time, just when I could not longer mentally take it. I started to do poorly in my classes because I was either not there physically, but sitting in the hallway, or I was in the classroom but trying to ignore all my irrational thoughts. I was not able to focus on what I needed to be focusing on. There were some days that I would spend either an entire morning or afternoon in the hallway. And some days, I would spend all day out there. I would call my mom numerous times and sometimes she would come into the school to calm me down. She even would talk me into going back in to join my class. This would sometimes lead to arguments and more crying, or it would work and I could finish out my school day. Sometimes the battle was already lost before she came in and I would just go home. Of course, that's what I wanted because then I was fine but I knew the next day it was going to be the same thing. It was absolutely exhausting! I know not just for me but for my parents too.
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