The Light

How many of us are afraid of dying?  Afraid of what is really on the other side?  I am absolutely afraid of dying.  I do believe there is a heaven and a hell - that no matter what our souls will live on in some form.  What I am scared of is that I am going to be alone.  That I am going to be scared perhaps ashamed of my life on earth.  Did I do everything I could and should have done with all my gifts and knowledge.  Did I pass the majority of Gods tests.  I'm afraid I won't see my mom and dad or my sisters...that we won't know each other.  I know at that point in our existence it doesn't really  matter but then again it does.  I know when all of us reach heaven (my family) it will be a set up like a condo in Panama City Beach...but this time we would never have to leave.  No more deadlines.  No more classes.  No more baseball for one of my brother in laws.  We could all finally be together and there is no time to be wasted because we have all the time that we could ever ask for. 

I have mentioned before the anxiety I have dealt with as a child and an adult.  Lately I have become anxious for reasons that I am not aware of really.  Like I have said before sometimes it just happens.  The other night I had a good cry with my mom.  We talked about death and she is aware that I am scared of dying but I a more scared of those my parents.  Obviously that is going to happen at some point unfortunately.  I don't know if I will be able to handle it etc.  Our talk was about that and that many people are scared of losing their parents etc.  I told I sometimes think that I would rather die before them so I wouldn't have to live with all the anxiety that I am anticipating.  I am not saying that I am taking my own life so please don't get that impression.  I wouldn't do that....had a friend do it and that is not the way to go.  Anyways I was speaking in general terms.  When its my time its my time.  I just wanted to clear that up.

After that good hard cry I went to bed.  I had dreams but I don't really remember them.  But there was this one dream that I had and it has really touched me.  My dream consisted of me being at a building with some friends and I knew that the building was going to explode.  I remember the explosion....it was loud and bright and then it was gone.  It is the weirdest feeling to die in your dreams.  Anyways, when I died...there was like a blurry light with red around it that faded to black...it was getting brighter as I was getting closer.  It was a warm feeling and it was so peaceful.  I remember saying "I love you mom and dad."  And then Jesus appeared with his head slightly looking down and his eyes closed with one hand on his heart and the other in air as if he was praying.  I was really wanting to go but something or someone kept pulling me back to life.

I have never experienced anything like it before.  I have no idea if it was really "the light" but I have never felt so calm and quiet before in my life.  I wonder if it was really Jesus that appeared to me telling me that there is nothing to be scared of when my parents die or when I die.  That I won't be alone but that he will be there.  It brings tears to my eyes that I could have been that close to my Savior.  A very cool and surreal feeling at the same time.  I can't say that after having this dream am I completely comfortable but I am convinced that there is a heaven and that people really do see a tunnel or a light of some sort.  I am not saying I was really dying in real life, but maybe that had to happen in my dream to assure me that death is okay and all will be taken care of.  This dream where I saw the light lasted no more than probably 5-6 seconds but I felt like I was there for so much longer.  I know that there is something to look forward to when this life is done.  I didn't get to see all the great things heaven has to offer because I did not get that fair, but I can wait for that surprise when it is my time. 

The image I have on this page is very

similar to the one I saw except the reddish color I talked about and it was blurry.  I didn't think I would actually find visual close enough to what I saw. It wasn't really a tunnel but very close.   Very awesome.