Guardian Angel

The last few months I have been on edge about work.  It is not my dream job by any means, but I am thankful everyday that I have a job.  Do I make a lot of money, no I don't.  But I make enough to barely make ends meet.  It def can be a struggle when some paychecks come along.  It is not that I really don't like my job...it just doesn't interest me.  It is hard to do something everyday that just doesn't interest you.  I have learned a ton, but it's not fun.  In my opinion it is important to have fun while working and to enjoy it at the same time.  I could normally have fun at work despite not liking what I do until lately.  It has been such a chore to be there.  I know I have not given my best in these months and I don't like that at all.  I give my all in everything I am involved with: family, friends, coaching, working out, my faith....everything!  I wouldn't say I have been lazy but more careless.  If I made a mistake I didn't care and that has never been my attitude. 

I have always believed in angels especially guardian angels.  Those angels are very special.  I was told when I was younger that if you sit in a very quiet room and listen carefully they say their name.  If that's true I have no idea, but kinda cool if it was!  I can't really recall a certain situation that my guardian angel has made its presence...until today.  I was at my absolute breaking point today.  I had been holding in a lot of emotions and feelings in regards to my work place.  Loads of frustration!  I was brought into my review this afternoon.  I was shaking and emotional before it really even started.  I was asked if I liked what I did.  My response, no I don't at all.  Other questions asked etc...I don't know if I have ever been more brutally honest during a review.  I literally spoke my mind just like I do when I'm by myself thinking.  It was almost like a dream.  I pointed out weaknesses in my supervisors....expressed my frustrations.  I did not use any cuss words...very clean.  I explained that I always give my all and lately I just haven't and I don't like it.  At this point my crying and super upset.  One because it was all just coming out and two because I just spoke like that to another person...a person who could fire me if they really wanted.  One of them was speaking...about what I don't recall....but I slapped my hand on the table cause I was just tired of hearing it....I said "you know what?" and I stood up took two steps to walk out....and I was stopped dead in my tracks.  I don't even know how I got back to my chair.  I know without a doubt it was my guardian angel saying you need this job regardless if it something you like or not.  I am so thankful for my angel.  As a human we just don't think things all the way thru.....if I would have walked out...I would have been without a job and who knows when the next would come along.  We talked things out and ended on a good note...thankful that as well. 

Those of you who are in my position with your job..not happy.  Please stick with it despite all the frustration.  Things have to get better and they will.  Its not like its the worst thing ever its just not comfortable.  Be in tuned with your guardian angel. I know that do so many things to protect us because its just not time yet.  Don't let evil or negativity win.  That's what I learned today.  I know that you are exactly where you are for a reason...you don't know the reason and that's okay.  God is good and you are too!

What do I stand for....most nights I don't know anymore

Within the recent months this has become one of my favorite albums.  I feel like at this time in my life I can relate to a lot of these lyrics.  That is what I love about songs - somehow you can relate to the words.  And it is different for everyone.  Now my title is just from a song on the album, but I like it.  Because there are times that I know that I stand for but I don't know if it is getting me anywhere.  I have a strong faith in Jesus Christ my Savior.  I know and hold firm to my morals.  Politically I am confident in my beliefs and how our government should and could be ran.  So I know where I stand 98% of the time, but there are those "some nights" that I have not a clue what is going on with my life. 

I have spent many nights in better wondering why that is.  And I think I might have found a pinch of an answer.  Here's how it goes.

At an early age we are taught so many things.  That girls wear pink and boys wear blue.  Girls play with dolls and boys wrestle in dirt.  We play house with a mother and father.  As we play house our careers normally consist of being a police officer, a doctor, or a fire fighter (or along those lines).  As young girls we are told that we will meet our prince charming one day and that our dad will be walking us down the aisle.  Young boys are told that they will marry a woman and they will have to be the bread winner, and to be anything less than that is not acceptable.  Are you starting to see the pressure? 

Now in my shoes in this scenario...  I know when I am very young that I have this "feeling" about girls.  But I know that this "feeling" is not okay and that it is very very bad.  However, at the same time I did like boys.  I had boyfriends that I liked a lot, but this feeling always lingered about girls.  It was always in the back of my mind.  Now knowing that this princess charming is suppose to enter my life I am wonder about this "feeling."  Do all girls have this "feeling" and still meet their prince?  I am sure there are girls who do.  All you want when you are younger is to please your parents, well that's what I wanted.  My above paragraph I was none of the ways that I portray girls.  I hated the color pink.  I did not play with dolls.  And I would much rather wrestle in the dirt.  I never really thought about my dad walking me down the aisle.  Those things just were never important to me growing up. 

Now back to my answer....  We are now in young adulthood.  It is time to start thinking about your future.  I always hated filling out papers saying what I was going to be doing in 10 years from now.  How do I know at 18 what is out there and how my life is going to change drastically in so many different ways...and to answer a question that I want to be the right answer...seemed like set up...kinda made me feel like a failure.  Now I don't recall my exact answers.  But I am sure it was something like this:  Graduate from college and coaching soccer or basketball(not specifying in a field because I had NO idea), to be married, and have had children.  I am pretty sure it was something like that.  How much more narrow minded can one be hahaha!  But that is all we are told really!  I  could write a short novel about those 10 years that went nothing like that. 

Those 10 years....  Graduate high school with a soccer scholarship.  I went to about 2 weeks of class and decided it is not something I wanted to do.  I was not mentally or socially ready to take on college.  Not that college is all that difficult...it was just too much for me at the time.  So I had to get a full time job.  I worked at a daycare and I loved it.  However, I knew about after a year and a half that I needed to go to school to broaden myself.  I decided to go to a community college for an associates in Liberal Arts.  That took me two and a half years to complete.  In the mean time I had gotten out of a long term relationship with a young man and my attraction with girls grew stronger and later had a long term relationship with a girl.  I was still playing soccer as well as coaching it.  While going to this community college I worked at a sandwich shop....part time.  It was an adjustment in the pay...I really didn't like that.  I was offered a scholarship at a four year university.  I accepted and was looking into Physical Education.  During this time I got my certification for coaching.  I was 23 playing at the collegiate level against 18 year olds....let me just say that was not easy.  Those four years or so an make a difference regarding if I had condition the whole summer three times a day.  Half way thru my first year at this university I changed my degree to Sports Management.  I just didn't know if I wanted to be a teacher every day of my life.  One of my teachers talked about Sports Management and it sounded good.  I mean I loved sports and I thought it was the perfect.  I wish I would have done a little more research on it, but it is what it is now.  While I was attending school I met great people and lots of friends.  I applied to be the womens basketball manager.  Little did I know that I would come across one of the best coaches I have ever been around.  She is now the head coach at Truman State University and remains a good friend. This year in school I was working for a local grocery store as a cashier.  Going to school, playing soccer, being a manager, and working was a lot to juggle but I think that helped be who I am today.  It is not like a learned a whole lot in college but what I did learn was how to manage my time and multi task.  I finished my first year.  My second went the same.  All I had was one more semester left of school and I was done.  During those two years I was single....still no princess charming.  At the end of my second year - beginning of summer -  a summer that promised to be so much fun - was tragically ruined when one of my best friends took his own life.  My world was turned upside down.  Depression. Stress. Sadness. Guilt. Anger.  Just about any emotion...I felt it.  By the time school started in the fall I was ready to just be done.  Instead of enjoying my last semester I hurried through it.  I was very lost.  Not because he died, but because he killed himself.  I couldn't grasp that..still can't at times.  Since my eligibility was up I was offered to coach the Junior Varsity squad and it was great and a awesome learning experience.  I would finally graduate with my bachelors that December in 2007.  I continued to work at the grocery store.  I would later become head soccer coach for a local high school for 3 years.  That was great.  That summer I had finally met a girl that I really liked.  Our age difference was kinda of hard to handle at times.  At the grocery store I became an Assistant Manager.  I thought I was there.....everything I was told minus the prince but maybe the princess.  I had the full time job....coaching....and someone I loved.  Yeah, that changed in time.  We broke up a year and half later.....and I had a job change that made more and hour.  It was good for the time, but later would regret taking it.  Stuck with that job for almost 3 years.  Then took a job back in my hometown.  That fell short because I fell into a deep depression..I just regressed.  That would make it to 28.  So that piece of paper was not even close.  The closest thing was that I coached.  No prince and no children....stands true to this day.

I am not unhappy because your life is always changing its how you handle those changes.  People come and go.  I guess I just wish we weren't told those things growing up.  Because it causes disappointment within that young spirit.  Let kids live and think on their own.  Don't say things that might now come true because you don't know...no one knows.  Open their mind and let them know all of the possibilities.  Don't say certain things because you fear that they will be that way.  I am not saying I was brought up that way because I really wasn't but I know that a lot of people who were.  If I have children I will be so open with them with everything.  And I will answer every question as honest as I can and not fear how the "what if" outcome.  My boys can play with dolls and my girls can wrestle in mud.  My children will not wear the stereotypical colors.  If my girls want to wear bows that is fine and if they like pink...awesome. 

I stand for letting young ones developing into their own mold with the right guidance and no false hope. 

Atttiude reflects leadership captain

The title of today's blog, that line....can you name the movie?  I'll let you think about it for a few minutes while I discuss these four words.  In this movie this line changes the whole outcome of the movie.  I think maybe if it had not been said a part of history would have not existed.  Now do I know if those exact words were said.  I have no idea, but it wouldn't surprise me if they had been along those lines.  You see in this time period in which this movie takes place.....not everyone was accepted.  Two groups of young men were to come together when in fact they had never interacted with the other  It was almost as if it was against the law and frowned upon.  Do you know the movie yet?  How about these hints:  football, the 1960s, and Denzel Washington.  Now can you guess.....  It is Remember the Titans.

I am sure the majority of you have seen this movie.  It is one of my favorites.  Not just because it is about sports, but because it is based on a true story.  A story that if it had not taken place it would have set us even further back than what our country already was at the time.  And who knows what it would be like today if I had not taken place.  In this country...or this world...we do not have time to fight about the color of another's skin.  To think that a group teenage boys could come together in the matter of weeks.  That had always been told that the "other" was wrong and that they could do better without a relationship with them....was completely the wrong advice those parents could have given.  Where in that situation the parents are the captain and their attitude is reflected upon the child.  Which eventually is passed onto them and that's how they will treat "those" people as they get older.  In fact that is how both "sets" treated each other at the beginning.  Two schools migrated into one which forced whites and blacks to come together.  This was very rare at this time in our history especially in the south.

This line takes place during which the coach made it a priority for every white and black player to get to know each other....every single  one of them. Three a days were going to continue until this took place.  Gary who seems to be the captain of the whites and plays the same position of the blacks captain - Julius....finally break down to get facts straight about each other.  Gary tells Julius how he is good but could be so much better etc.  They share words....and then Julius says "Attitude reflects leadership captain." Powerful.

We all know the ended of the movie.  You might be asking why I am writing about this.  Well I think this line makes sense in our world today.  Our leadership along all different lines: parents, bosses, coaches etc.  Their attitudes are reflected on us and without realizing or trying we will act like that too.  People that are in high positions seem to be blinded on how much they impact others with their actions or lack of.  So if you are a coach, parent, or coach keep in mind the words and actions are picked up by the closest to you...and they too will carry that attitude.  Just like in Remember the Titans the boys didn't like the other race because they were told not to and because of how their parents spoke about the other.  In their minds that is how they thought it was suppose to be and if that trait had not been broken the separation between black and white would be even further apart than what it is now. 

Within the last year I am reminded of this line at least once a day.  One because I am a coach I do try to set the best example for my girls.  I know that they look up to me and will carry the same attitude I do because they are impressionable.  Also, I am a working citizen......I don't always see the best attitudes.  This is true for many of us.  All I can say is YOU be the captain and have YOUR leadership reflect back to the captain....make it positive and radiant.  Sometimes captains are wrong.

#leadership

Writing is therapy

It looks like it has been awhile since my last post...life becomes busy and some things go on the back burner unfortunately.  But I am back and my plan is to stick with it because writing makes me feel better.  I have so many thoughts about so many things.  It is hard to keep them straight sometimes.  I believe we all have so much to say but we get caught up in life and stray away from our true feelings.  That is what happened to me the last few months.  I would think about writing but I always came up with a "good" excuse not to.  In the long run it caused my mind to overflow....time to let it all out now! 

In the last week my anxiety has been at an unusual high.  Why? I don't know.  I never know, but I always wish I did know.  One thing is that I haven't been feeling well and whenever that happens that makes me feel anxious.  I tend to be a bit of a hypochondriac but I am not nearly as bad as I was when I was younger. I could easily convince myself that I had some major illness.  Okay well that's a little extreme, but you get the point. 

There have been many stages and ups and downs of my anxieties existence.  I have had really calm waters and I have had hurricanes as well.  A lot of times it is unpredictable, but many times I talk myself into it.  I am going to start to read a book that my mom has been constantly been talking about and been wanting me to read.  Throughout my life I have overcome many things I never knew I could do....I could stay satisfied with my current state.  Letting my thinking pattern get the best of me at times and restrict what I want to do with my life.  But as we all know..we have one life...and I have already missed out on a lot in my childhood.  I do not want to miss things as an adult.  So I am going to read this book and perhaps find someone to talk to.  Will reading this book and talking to someone cure me?  No.  You aren't cured from anxiety because it is not a disease.  But it will give me reassurance that I am in control of the situation and that my mind needs to be rewired along those lines. 

To those of you who may think anxiety is a made up feeling or emotion...you are 100% wrong.  It is very real from the thought process to the attack itself and then to the avoiding of situations for the fear of having an attack.  I can understand how one can think that it is not real if you have never had one.  Let me assure you that it is the scariest thing you will encounter when least expected.  Because there are times you cause your own attack.  But normally the first one comes out of the blue and literally feels like you are dying and not there physically.  It is a very surreal feeling that is terrifying because you have never experienced that feeling before.  It almost scars the mind.  That is why it is sooooo important to look into books before it gets worse.  Now not everyone is that sensitive and don't really think about it again.  But there are people, like myself, that have a worried mind to begin with and it is not easy to overcome on my own.  I am not ashamed of that because this runs in my family, anxiety.  I have talked with many counselors and some have helped others not so much.  Unfortunately it is a hit and miss.  But please understand that it is very real.  You don't have to understand it, but respect people that are anxious.  It is controllable and you can help.  I will get into that later. 

Please stay tuned and thank you for reading. 

#gottagetthruthis