Within the recent months this has become one of my favorite albums. I feel like at this time in my life I can relate to a lot of these lyrics. That is what I love about songs - somehow you can relate to the words. And it is different for everyone. Now my title is just from a song on the album, but I like it. Because there are times that I know that I stand for but I don't know if it is getting me anywhere. I have a strong faith in Jesus Christ my Savior. I know and hold firm to my morals. Politically I am confident in my beliefs and how our government should and could be ran. So I know where I stand 98% of the time, but there are those "some nights" that I have not a clue what is going on with my life.
I have spent many nights in better wondering why that is. And I think I might have found a pinch of an answer. Here's how it goes.
At an early age we are taught so many things. That girls wear pink and boys wear blue. Girls play with dolls and boys wrestle in dirt. We play house with a mother and father. As we play house our careers normally consist of being a police officer, a doctor, or a fire fighter (or along those lines). As young girls we are told that we will meet our prince charming one day and that our dad will be walking us down the aisle. Young boys are told that they will marry a woman and they will have to be the bread winner, and to be anything less than that is not acceptable. Are you starting to see the pressure?
Now in my shoes in this scenario... I know when I am very young that I have this "feeling" about girls. But I know that this "feeling" is not okay and that it is very very bad. However, at the same time I did like boys. I had boyfriends that I liked a lot, but this feeling always lingered about girls. It was always in the back of my mind. Now knowing that this princess charming is suppose to enter my life I am wonder about this "feeling." Do all girls have this "feeling" and still meet their prince? I am sure there are girls who do. All you want when you are younger is to please your parents, well that's what I wanted. My above paragraph I was none of the ways that I portray girls. I hated the color pink. I did not play with dolls. And I would much rather wrestle in the dirt. I never really thought about my dad walking me down the aisle. Those things just were never important to me growing up.
Now back to my answer.... We are now in young adulthood. It is time to start thinking about your future. I always hated filling out papers saying what I was going to be doing in 10 years from now. How do I know at 18 what is out there and how my life is going to change drastically in so many different ways...and to answer a question that I want to be the right answer...seemed like set up...kinda made me feel like a failure. Now I don't recall my exact answers. But I am sure it was something like this: Graduate from college and coaching soccer or basketball(not specifying in a field because I had NO idea), to be married, and have had children. I am pretty sure it was something like that. How much more narrow minded can one be hahaha! But that is all we are told really! I could write a short novel about those 10 years that went nothing like that.
Those 10 years.... Graduate high school with a soccer scholarship. I went to about 2 weeks of class and decided it is not something I wanted to do. I was not mentally or socially ready to take on college. Not that college is all that difficult...it was just too much for me at the time. So I had to get a full time job. I worked at a daycare and I loved it. However, I knew about after a year and a half that I needed to go to school to broaden myself. I decided to go to a community college for an associates in Liberal Arts. That took me two and a half years to complete. In the mean time I had gotten out of a long term relationship with a young man and my attraction with girls grew stronger and later had a long term relationship with a girl. I was still playing soccer as well as coaching it. While going to this community college I worked at a sandwich shop....part time. It was an adjustment in the pay...I really didn't like that. I was offered a scholarship at a four year university. I accepted and was looking into Physical Education. During this time I got my certification for coaching. I was 23 playing at the collegiate level against 18 year olds....let me just say that was not easy. Those four years or so an make a difference regarding if I had condition the whole summer three times a day. Half way thru my first year at this university I changed my degree to Sports Management. I just didn't know if I wanted to be a teacher every day of my life. One of my teachers talked about Sports Management and it sounded good. I mean I loved sports and I thought it was the perfect. I wish I would have done a little more research on it, but it is what it is now. While I was attending school I met great people and lots of friends. I applied to be the womens basketball manager. Little did I know that I would come across one of the best coaches I have ever been around. She is now the head coach at Truman State University and remains a good friend. This year in school I was working for a local grocery store as a cashier. Going to school, playing soccer, being a manager, and working was a lot to juggle but I think that helped be who I am today. It is not like a learned a whole lot in college but what I did learn was how to manage my time and multi task. I finished my first year. My second went the same. All I had was one more semester left of school and I was done. During those two years I was single....still no princess charming. At the end of my second year - beginning of summer - a summer that promised to be so much fun - was tragically ruined when one of my best friends took his own life. My world was turned upside down. Depression. Stress. Sadness. Guilt. Anger. Just about any emotion...I felt it. By the time school started in the fall I was ready to just be done. Instead of enjoying my last semester I hurried through it. I was very lost. Not because he died, but because he killed himself. I couldn't grasp that..still can't at times. Since my eligibility was up I was offered to coach the Junior Varsity squad and it was great and a awesome learning experience. I would finally graduate with my bachelors that December in 2007. I continued to work at the grocery store. I would later become head soccer coach for a local high school for 3 years. That was great. That summer I had finally met a girl that I really liked. Our age difference was kinda of hard to handle at times. At the grocery store I became an Assistant Manager. I thought I was there.....everything I was told minus the prince but maybe the princess. I had the full time job....coaching....and someone I loved. Yeah, that changed in time. We broke up a year and half later.....and I had a job change that made more and hour. It was good for the time, but later would regret taking it. Stuck with that job for almost 3 years. Then took a job back in my hometown. That fell short because I fell into a deep depression..I just regressed. That would make it to 28. So that piece of paper was not even close. The closest thing was that I coached. No prince and no children....stands true to this day.
I am not unhappy because your life is always changing its how you handle those changes. People come and go. I guess I just wish we weren't told those things growing up. Because it causes disappointment within that young spirit. Let kids live and think on their own. Don't say things that might now come true because you don't know...no one knows. Open their mind and let them know all of the possibilities. Don't say certain things because you fear that they will be that way. I am not saying I was brought up that way because I really wasn't but I know that a lot of people who were. If I have children I will be so open with them with everything. And I will answer every question as honest as I can and not fear how the "what if" outcome. My boys can play with dolls and my girls can wrestle in mud. My children will not wear the stereotypical colors. If my girls want to wear bows that is fine and if they like pink...awesome.
I stand for letting young ones developing into their own mold with the right guidance and no false hope.
Wow!
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