I didn't want to get into this topic so early on in my blog, but things happen you need to let emotions out. I feel very very bad for his family and closest friends. The pain they are going thru is unreal. Death (natural) alone is sad and it is hard to those still living to cope and go about their daily routine. However, when someone decides to take their own life...that is on a whole other level. Your life is never the same...
My friend died almost 5 1/2 years ago in June. Something that was so unexpected as it usually is. Now at some point I think the majority of people have thought about suicide. Not on the same terms as the individuals but that thought has presented itself and that majority of us push that thought away..make things better....and move on with our life. I will never understand how depressed one can be to do this. Or how bad their life can actually be that by taking their own life is a better idea. What they don't realize or understand is those surviving....that they will live in so much grief because they had to be selfish.
Being depressed is no joke and is very real. Suicide is very real as well. It is almost too real nowadays. Life is so precious. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my friend. I think about what I could have done differently if I just would have known. I knew that he was struggling and was depressed somewhat, but I had no idea it was THAT bad. That it was so bad that he couldn't talk to me about. That night is such a blur that it is so clear. I know that makes no sense at all. The best way I can describe that is it was soooo slow moving and surreal....that I remember everything about that night. I remember leaving a voicemail on his phone because we were suppose to meet up that night....to falling asleep but hearing his phone call (he had his own ringtone) and me saying to myself I will just call him when I get up.....to being a sleep for a couple hours when a phone call from my mom woke me up around 11pm telling me my best friend had shot himself and that it was bad......to arriving at the hospital and approaching our mutual group of friends....grown men crying and needing help walking.....his dad falling into my arms......going into the room to see him and holding his moms hand while looking at him hooked up to machines....to listening to the voicemail that he left me when he had called.....to getting home and laying on the couch and thinking what really just happened. Is this real? I can call him tomorrow, right? The worst was calling friends that had no idea that this had happened. See these are things that THOSE people don't think about....the ones left behind and dealing with such a tragedy. There is no GOOD reason to take your own life.
The first couple years after were rough. I don't know if it was so rough because I missed him (well I did) but because how he died and how he did it. I think that sticks in my mind more than anything. I can handle that he has died, but that he took his own life....I don't know if I will ever actually grasp that idea. He is in my dreams time to time...I try to ask him if I can remember while dreaming why. But I normally just get a smile or he just ignores me and is gone. He did not leave a note so we don't have an explanation.....that is what stings the most. All I can say is he better be happy with his decision because he is missing out on amazing things. So many of his friends have gotten married and are having children. His nephews have gotten so big and getting older. But they only see what they want to see unfortunately.
No comments:
Post a Comment